'Cousin Avi' Denovitz: Yes, London. You know fish 'n chips, cup o' tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary fucking Poppins? London.

ELLIE: I proved once and for all the limb is mightier than the thumb.

ALEX: Is it Kevin's baby?
JACK: We're not sure.
ALEX: Kevin's a skunk.
JACK: Kevin gets all the girls.
ALEX: He sure got Niki.

Maxwell Smart: Are you flirting with me?

Agent 99: Not at all. Are you flirting with me?

Maxwell Smart: That depends; is it working?

Agent 99: Not at all.

CRASH DAVIS: Who dresses you? Who dresses you? Isn't this a little excessive for the Carolina League?

M: When someone says, 'We've got people everywhere,' you expect it to be hyperbole. Lots of people says that. Florists use that expression. It doesn't mean they've got someone working from inside the bloody room.

CARL: I've got blisters on me fingers!

Macaulay Connor:  This is the Bridal Suite. Would you send up a couple of caviar sandwiches and a bottle of beer?
Margaret Lord: What? Who is this?
Macaulay Connor: This is the Voice of Doom calling. Your days are numbered, to the seventh son of the seventh son.
Margaret Lord: Hello? Hello?
Tracy Lord: What's the matter?
Margaret Lord: One of the servants has been in the sherry again.

Sherlock Holmes: And chamber maids were once such a liberal breed.
Constable Clark: My wife's a chamber maid,sir. 

[pause] 

Constable Clark: Besides, it's a good thing she was offended, sir. Otherwise we'd never have found you. 

Sherlock Holmes: Ah, yes. 

[another pause] 

Constable Clark: Just joking about the wife, sir.

Tom: I'll have a decaf coffee.
Trudi: I'll have a decaf espresso.
Morris Frost: I'll have a double decaf cappuccino.
Ted: Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.
Harris: I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.
Trudi: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Tom: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Morris Frost: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Cynthia: I'll have a twist of lemon.

MAJOR THOMAS: The fact of the matter is that war changes men's natures. The barbarities of war are seldom committed by abnormal men. The tragedy of war is that these horrors are committed by normal men in abnormal situations. Situations in which the ebb and flow of everyday life have departed and have been replaced by a constant round of fear and anger, blood and death.

Adam: What are your qualifications? 

Betlegeuese: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?

CALVERA: If God did not want them sheared he would not have made them sheep.

Edward D. Wood, Jr:  Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life! When is your next picture coming out?
Bela Lugosi: I have no next picture. 

Edward D. Wood, Jr:  You gotta be joking, a great star like you? You must have dozens of them lined up! 

Bela Lugosi:  Back in the old days, yes... Now, no one gives two fucks for Bela. 

Edward D. Wood, Jr:  But you're a big star! 

Bela Lugosi:  No more. I haven't worked in four years. This business, this town, it chews you up, then spits you out.
[pauses] 

Bela Lugosi: I'm just an ex-boogeyman... Make a right.

NOT GETTING TOO MUCH TRACTION WITH THIS BLOG BUT I WILL PERSERVERE

Spc. Owen Eldridge: Aren't you glad the Army has all these tanks parked here? Just in case the Russians come and we have to have a big tank battle? 

Sergean JT Sanborn: I'd rather be on the side with the tanks, just in case, than not have them. 

Spc. Owen Eldridge: Yeah, but they don't do anything. I mean, anyone comes alongside a Humvee, we're dead. Anybody even looks at you funny, we're dead. Pretty much the bottom line is, if you're in Iraq, you're dead. How's a fucking tank supposed to stop that? 

Sergean JT Sanborn: Would you shut the fuck up, Owen? 

Spc. Owen Eldridge:  Sorry. Just tryin' to scare the new guy.

Renfield: Would you care for a hors d'oeuvre, Dr. Seward or a canape?
Doctor Jack Seward: No, thank you, Mr. Renfield. How are you feeling tonight? 
Renfield:  Far better than you, my lovesick doctor. 
Doctor Jack Seward:  Is my personal life of interest to you? 
Renfield:  Of course it is. All life interests me.

Kristen Toomey: [crying] Please, God...
Marlow: [speaking in vampire language] God?
[Marlow looks around, and then after a long pause he stares into Kirsten's eyes] 
Marlow:  [coldly, in English] No god.

MR. WATURI: [on the phone] I know he can get the job but can he do the job?  Harry, yeah Harry, but but can he do the job?  I know he can GET the job but can he DO the job?  I'm not arguing that with you. I'm not arguing that with you. I'm not arguing that with you. I'm not arguing that with you, Harry. Harry, Harry, yeah Harry, but can he DO the job? I know he can get the job but can he do the job? I'm not arguing that with you. Harry, I am not arguing that with you. Who said that? I didn't say that. If I said that I would have been wrong. Maybe, maybe. I'm not arguing that with you! Yeah, Harry, I know he can get the job but can he do the job? I am not arguing that with you. I AM NOT ARGUING THAT WITH YOU. I am not arguing that with YOU! Who told you that? No, I told you that! Me. What? Maybe. Maybe, maybe. MAYbe!

Stansfield: It's the cops, we better go... You stay.
1st Stansfield Man: What am I gonna tell them?
Stansfield: Tell them.... we were doing our job.

Hank Gordon: Don't you have some kind of urgent business thousands of miles from here, Doc-tor?

JIMMY DUGAN: Evelyn, could you come here for a second? which team do you play for?
EVELYN GARDNER: Well, I'm a Peach. 
JIMMY DUGAN:  Well I was just wonderin' why you would throw home when we got a two-run lead. You let the tying run get on second base and we lost the lead because of you. Start using your head. That's the lump that's three feet above your ass.
[Evelyn starts to cry] 
JIMMY DUGAN:  Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying! THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!
DORIS MURPHY: Why don't you give her a break, Jimmy...
JIMMY DUGAN:   Oh, you zip it, Doris! Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry? 
EVELYN GARDNER:  No, no, no. 
JIMMY DUGAN:  Yeah! NO. And do you know why? 
EVELYN GARDNER:  No... 
JIMMY DUGAN:  Because there's no crying in baseball. THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! No crying!

Hudsucker Scientist: It operates on ze same principle zat keeps ze earth spinning around ze sun and zat keeps you from flying off ze earth into ze cold reaches of space where you would die like a miserable schwein.

Claire Stenwick: You have ten seconds to get your hand off me.

Roy Koval: Or what, you won't be my friend anymore?

Radio Station Man: Wee-boy, that was some mighty fine-a-pickin' and a-singin'!

Walter Sobchak: Ninilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

Joel Goodsen: Looks like the University of Illinois!

Arthur Skridlow: A hundred years of scholarship and public service... shot to shit.

Danny Archer: "You're a reporter, eh? Well piss off! "

Mikael Blomqvist: "Did you sterilize that?"

Jorges de Burgos: "Laughter kills fear, and without fear there can be no faith, because without fer of the Devil there is no more need of God."

"I say we given 'em Cairo."

"Well, this whole thing is just who knows who. Then over here you have favoritism."